5 hilarious situations for migrants in Mumbai

5 hilarious situations that migrants coming to Bombay face while interacting with the locals:

So you are not a Bombayite huh? Worse, you are a Delhite! God be with you. Migrants coming into this city of dreams called Bombay come with stars in their eyes and grit in their determination to survive this mad lovable city.

1.     “Kidhar se aya?”

The question that scares you! As if that if you are not from Maharashtra then you are an alien. If your mannerisms and your accent is even the slightest bit out of sync with the locals, you become vulnerable to getting singled out. Start taking Bambaiya lessons from your local ‘taporis’.

2.      “Tu akela hai?”

The rental accommodation market is probably the only place where a handsome eligible bachelor is most unwanted. Girls are fortunately spared that situation. A single male spells trouble for the neighbourhood chhokris!

3.      “Chalta hai kya chikane?”

The most horrible "pick-up" line used by trans-genders to rake out some moolah from young ‘nice’ men who look like they have come from out of the city.. Have you experienced it yet! J

4.      “Bhaiya mat bolo!”

Girls beware of the word Bhaiya! It manages to raise the hackles of all the bhaisahabs. Any localite worth his salt will give it back to you, gently or harshly, if you call him bhaiya. So alternatively try dada, mama, kaka and what works best is Sir! Try it.

5.      “Shahrukh khan ka bangla dekha?”

Shahrukh Khan’s bungalow is a local picnic spot and people throng to click pics with the nameplate of his heavenly abode Mannat. And if you haven’t seen his bungalow within 6 months of your arriving here then it is sacrilegious! Try to make a conversation in the train and show that you are a Bollywood fan, this is what you’ll get asked for sure. 

Have you experienced this yet? What has been your funny experience. Readers please take it in the same vein as intended.. i.e. lightly. Post your comments and experiences below. 

Have you tried the morning ferry to Alibag?

A bunch of us colleagues decided to take a ferry to Alibaug one Friday morning to spend the day frolicking on the beach of Varsoli. One friend suggested we take the early morning 6.15 ferry and everyone shut her up. Finally it was decided to meet up at 6.30 to take the 7.00 am ferry to Mandwa Port. 

We met up and bought our tickets. Since there was still time to depart, we engaged in nation's best time-pass - clicking selfies and groupies. 

 

The Taj Mahal Palace Hotel is at its magnificent best at sunrise! It is worth the effort just to go there in the morning and pose in front of the majestic monument. The golden hue cast upon its creamy exterior is like honey poured over butterscotch. There was a couple out there getting the pre-wedding shoot done and they made a pretty picture dressed in their finery.

It was finally 7 and time to leave. We mounted the ferry anticipating a pleasant ride and we were right! There is a certain charm in taking the ferry than going in a speed boat that takes only 15 minutes to get to the other side. The ferry usually takes between 45 minutes to an hour. 

As soon as the ferry took off a bunch of wily sea gulls started following us hoping to get food. Their silent demands were met. The gush of water that the ferry leaves behind is mesmerising and the view that we leave behind is an optic of Bombay that we rarely see. Far off, if you are alert enough, you see the tiny humps of dolphin jumps. You may think it is a mirage but not always! On the way, you'll see a set of ducks 'floating' around making you wonder what they must be doing so far out in the sea.

At the end of an hour, we reached Mandwa Port. It is a well-maintained port from where a 'coach' takes us to the mainland. The coach ride is included in the ferry tickets. The tariff ranges from Rs. 105 to Rs. 165. I recommend the upper deck that gives you a taste of the sun, wind, sky, water, birds and breathtaking view around you. It is an absolute delight for amateur and professional photographers as well.

One sad thing is the bad hygiene practices of the riders as well as the ferry operators. They sell stuff to eat but do not have visible bins to throw the garbage and more often than not it ends up n the waters.Do think of carrying a portable garbage bag with you to leave the least carbon footprint behind.

Varsoli beach

What Men can't tell Women!

 Today is International Men's Day. Yes, they too have a right to have their day.. the poor harassed men of today. With increasingly vocal feminism, the good men are finding it increasingly difficult to survive comfortably. They too have to be on their guard all the time specially if they are living alone! Women, stop making faces and Men, you can nod your agreement.

Today, let's voice out a few of the things that 'nice' men will never tell a woman though his mind screams out every time it finds itself in that situation!

1. "Don't put up the relationship status all over social media for F***sake!"

My jaanu gifted me Coldplay tickets, I am dining at the Taj with sonny boy, My hero surprised me with movie tickets, etc.. etc.. This annoying habit of women to declare everything on social media really is one of the most annoying habits of women but we, the poor men, have to grin and bear. Even the slightest contrary opinion expressed shall not pass without a major showdown. 😷

2. "Shove your annoying questions up your...ummm... nose!"😅

Where are you going? What are you doing? With whom were you chatting for so long? Why can't you take me out this evening? Why are you so late? When will you give me a surprise? Yap, Yap, Yap... Phew!😠

3. "Don't you dare BABY me!"

Baby, what's the plan for tonight? Babu, do you love me? Sweetums, you never call me beautiful.. Arrrrrghhhh! Go adopt a child or a dog to soothe your maternal instincts. I am not your baby! 😒

4. "Share the bill, you digger!"

Women are all for equality but God forbid if we present them with a bill. That instant we climb down 500 rungs from their likeability meter. 😏

5. "Stop letting the world know what a loser I am!"

Can't you just accept your mistakes, say sorry, hug, kiss and make-up? See we are not complicated at all! Why the complex emotional drama? The most cliched and overused accusation: "You don't understand me!" No we don't understand.. we are always on top!😀

6. "Stop being fake"

Be real man.. loosen up.. when you put on all that makeup you look like a ghost from another planet! Of course we have to compliment you. Heaven save us if we say the truth. 😇

7. "Yes, I love my band of boys more than you. You gotta a problem?"

They understand us so well. We love hanging out together doing boy things. We don't want to watch sappy films. We love our kind of films. Deal with it! Just let us be.

This is not at all exhaustive.. Please feel free to add to them in comments section. Women, take it in jest.. let men also have their 'bitching' days! Oops, have I triggered off the feminists?? 😏

The Times Bandra Festival 2016 - Do not miss it!

 

Bandra Festival Event Schedule 

 

Bandra, rightly known as the queen of suburbs, lives up to its reputaion of being fun, picturesque, culturally rich and a melting pot of cultures.

The Times Bandra Festival is an initiative of the "Celebrate Bandra Trust" that aims to celebrate Bandra's variety and history. The festival started way back in 2003 to provide not only a stage for Bandra talent but also clean, wholesome entertainment. Today it has achieved gigantic proportion.

The Festival is being held from 12th to 20th November. If you haven't been to it already, you can still catch up on some of the amazing line-up of programmes and events that are completely free. A welcome change from being holed up in the apartment or some restaurant, mall or worse behind some kind of screen!

Whole new meaning to "getting inked"

Ok so overnight our economy has changed. Suddenly on the night of 8th November, the currency that we had kept safe in our lockers turned to dust. There has been mixed reaction to this announcement - disbelief, joy, frustration, anger, respect, admiration and a lot of chest thumping.. Rightly so, as BJP has done something that Congress did not dare to do during its 10-year preceding reign. 

But the government under-anticipated the inconvenience caused to the common man. In India, there is a huge gap between policy declaration and policy execution. As usual on the delivery front, there is a serious lack of co-ordination and organisation leading to chaos and confusion. The media has been continuously covering the long queues outside banks and ATMs. There isn't enough legal currency to keep the country cash sufficient. The common man being interviewed is all praise for the move but is finding it so difficult to get his cash exchanged or deposited or withdraw. 

But to add to this confusion, for old cash exchange, certain unscrupulous elements were deploying a number of people at various banks to exchange their cash illicitly. In reality, each person can exchange the old notes only once upto Rs. 4500 till 24th November 2016. Such people are queuing up again and again to exchange notes thus clogging up the lines and slowing down the whole process causing great inconvenience to honest citizens. 

When the government realised this, it came up with the idea of inking the citizens who come for exchange of notes. This gives a whole new meaning to getting inked! But instead of cribbing about it, it is in national interest to co-operate with the government and abide by it. This too shall pass and I look forward to a new era of level economy. 

Jai Hind! 

Places Which Will Still Accept Your Old ₹500 And ₹1,000 Notes Till 24th Nov

The chaos at Banks and Postal establishements around the country following the demonetisation policy adopted by Narendra Modi's government has motivated the latter to extend its deadline from 14th November to 24 November for use of the now-extinct currencies at certain places. 

Several unsubstantiated messages on Social Media are doing the rounds that is causing confusion and further adding to the chaos. Do not believe such news unless you get it through offical channels and at the same time kindly refrain from forwarding them as well.

The government and the Reserve Bank of India want people to use the cashless means of making payments and thus avoid repeated trips to bank branches.

As an added measure, RBI announced that the old discontinued ₹500 and ₹1000 bank notes can be used at the following 15 places till 24th November:

1. You can make payments in government hospitals for medical treatment and to pharmacies in government hospitals for buying medicines with doctor's prescription.

2. In case of independent pharmacies too, you can pay in old denominations on production of doctor's prescription and proof of identity.

3. If you are purchasing from consumer cooperative stores operated under authorisation of central or state governments, you can use the old notes. This will require ID proof.

4. At all milk booths operating under authorisation of the central or state governments for buying milk.

5. Make payments towards utility charges including water and electricity. But keep in mind that no advance payments will be allowed.

6. You can pay for petrol and diesel at the pumps operating under the authorisation of public sector oil marketing companies.

 7. You can buy tickets at ticket counters of government or public sector buses and at airline ticketing counters at airports.

 8. For paying for  LPG gas cylinders.

9. Any payment due towards any fees, charges, taxes or penalties, payable to the central or state governments including municipal and local bodies.

10. For payments at crematoria and burial grounds.

11. To pay for the catering services on board, during travel by rail.

12. For making payments for purchasing tickets for travel by suburban and metro rail services.

13. At international airports, for arriving and departing passengers, who possess specified bank notes, the value of which does not exceed five thousand rupees to exchange them for notes having legal tender.

14. For foreign tourists to exchange foreign currency or specified bank notes, the value of which does not exceed Rs 5,000 to exchange.

15. For making payments for purchase of entry tickets for any monument maintained by the Archaeological Survey of India.

Read RBI's full list of FAQs on currency exchange here. 

(Courtesy: Huffington Post)

Idiot's guide to survive cashless - Give up 500/1000 notes

So the man has done it! Congratulations to Mr. Modi for a historic step towards corruption-free and safe governance. You have to hand it to him.. He has taken this step in the interest of the nation without worrying about how it'll affect his popularity and completely shunned votebank politics. This, at least, deserves a salute!

The night we received the news that 500 and 1000 rupee notes have been banned, it was like everyone's thinking processes overshot. Some headed to the banks.. of various rivers the others went out shopping for tickets to nowhereland and gold while still others were left befuddled. It made us realise that the circulation of 500 and 1000 rupee notes had become so common that the overnight demonetisation step felt like a bolt of lightening! But these past few days have taught me that it is indeed quite possible to live without the darling denominations! Here is my take:

1. Do not shun digital banking: If you have been avoiding the usage of banking apps and websites, now is the time to get started! At first it does present itself as a task but it eases your life a great deal. Life becomes so much easier when you take finances in your control.. completely! Remember to keep your username and password safe like for any other digital account.

  2. Use digital wallets: PayTM, Mobikwik and Freecharge are some of the popular mobile wallets. Their usage has been increasing day-by-day as they bring in more and more service providers under their umbrella. You cannot escape them. They fill in the gap where organised markets are missing. You will soon be able to pay your several 'walas' - rickshawala, bhajiwala, taxiwala, doodhwala - through digital wallets. With an array of discounts, coupons and cashback offers, they make perfect sense now. 

3. Use your plastic cards: If you have horror of the plastic, take part in your own version of Fear Factor and take the plunge. The convenience that it offers is worth getting over your fear. BUT, you have to use it prudently. Apply for a card with low credit limit. Be careful with your passwords, link it with your bank accounts, do not store any sensitive data on the phone - these are some precautionary measures to be taken.

4. Hoard some Chhutta: I know it is difficult but keep small change handy. It is very useful. Hoard it a bit and it'll be of use to you at the most unexpected moments.

5. Use common sense: With cash in hand, we feel rich and want to spend up everything specially if we are on a hot date! Now impress your girlfriend/ boyfriend by showing how digi-savvy you are. Cut down on unnecessary spending and use your money wisely! 

5 things to keep in mind while choosing your Flat and Flatmate.

Moving into a new city comes with its share of excitement as well as anxiety. Finding a roof over your head is that luxury that we wish to achieve with the least possible trouble. This very desire pushes us to sometimes take hasty decisions which ultimately ruin our entire perception of the city.

If, on the other hand, you keep certain simple yet significant points in mind, your migration process into your adopted city/ town can be very smooth and pleasant.

Here are 5 points to ponder over while taking possession of your paradise:

1. How safe is your neighbourhood?

Avoid empty lanes, specially if you return home late from work. Check the security arrangement of the society. The exact location of the proposed flat also plays an important role. If it is on ground floor, you need to check for extra security measures undertaken by the owner of the property. Try scheduling a flat visit late in teh evening to see the kind of activities in the society. If it is a nice lively ambiance, it should be a safe bet.

 

2. Are you trying to save on brokerage?
 At times, saving on brokerage may end up being a costly affair. A reliable or referred broker provides much-required services that we may not have the time to perform. There are higher chances of getting deceived by the direct-approach method.

Broker services

3. Who is your Flatmate?

A very important check is to be performed on your Flatmate and I don't mean to spend the entire day stalking him or her! That would make you dangerous. But a face-to-face meeting with your potential flatmate is a must. We do have certain 'basic instincts' that can either warn us or warm us up! If face-to-face not possible, then try to get on a VC.

Make sure its not this crazy guy!

4. Who is your Landlord?

Don't go by the numbering.. it is random. Knowing your landlord is very important. And this you'll best come to know through an existing Flatmate or maybe your future neighbours or an ex-occupant of the Flat. I have seen posts on my Facebook community 'Flats and Flatmates (Mumbai) which recount horrors of unruly and unapologetic Landlords. There were those who used to invite themselves over for dinner with you or just walk in when you are alone to inspect the house. One lady Landlord threw the poor tenant out at night because she got anotehr one who was paying her Rs. 5000 more!

Mr. Sleaze Personified

5. Distance from workplace

This is a very significant point as we all know that daily commute in metro cities can be quite   
unpleasant. Even if you end up paying a bit more in terms of rent, at least you'll enjoy the convenience of a nearby location.

Long commutes 

So just keep in mind these basic rules while selecting your flat or flatmate. You won't regret this little extra effort. Of course, the agreement part comes in the next post! :)